THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED:
New standard for useless politician. Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky is alive, technically. He’s been seen breathing. But McConnell seems to be impaired in ways that would force just about any other 84-year-old worker into immediate retirement.
McConnell endured some kind of fall and maybe a heart attack in June. He basically disappeared for three months, sparking speculation that he died. Then he resurfaced when the Senate reconvened in September. But something is obviously wrong. Here’s a video of aides wheeling McConnell into a van on Capitol Hill. At one point he gives the camera a thumbs-up, signaling awareness. But once in the van he stares straight ahead like a zombie (or a dementia patient). There’s another video of McConnell casting a committee vote, in which a fellow senator has to tell him how to vote, as if McConnell doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing. At other committee votes, McConnell was a no-show.
[Check out The Weekly Matterboard, Trump KissCam Edition]
It’s undignified for aides or party hacks or family members or whoever’s doing it to use an elderly man for what are obviously political purposes. But it’s even more ridiculous that somebody so infirm can be a “public servant.”
At least the memes are good. Here’s McConnell making a cameo appearance in “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Here’s McConnell going off a ski jump in his wheelchair. Here’s McConnell riding a bronco at a rodeo. Here he is doing acrobatics. Remember, when the only choices are to laugh or cry, choose laughter.
Trump says gas is cheap. We remind readers that while The Weekly WTF may be snarky and sarcastic, it is not fictional. Trump actually did say that gasoline, at an average price of $4.47 per gallon, is cheap.
While discussing gas prices during a speech in North Carolina on September 16, Trump said, “it’s a very inexpensive price to pay for what we’ve done…. Frankly, even if it was a lot more.”
What has Trump’s Iran war done, anyway? When he started the war on February 28, Trump said ordinary Iranians could “take over your government” once the despotic theocracy was gone. The despots are still in charge and ordinary Iranians are more miserable than ever as they cope with a crumbling economy and runaway inflation.
Oil prices have averaged $95 per barrel since Trump started the war, up from an average of $68 in 2025. Higher gas and diesel prices have so far cost the typical household an extra $840. That doesn’t include the government’s $40 billion cost, which is borrowed money added to the $40 trillion national debt.
[An Iran war breakthrough might be coming]
We suspect Trump has never filled a gas tank or paid for gas with his own money. His Iran war has done nothing for anybody except make life more expensive.
Pentagon beauty contest. If you’re a military servicemember and you want to attend incompetent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s “state of the force” event on September 30, you must have a waist-to-height ratio below .55 along with “impeccable grooming standards.” You must also be perfectly clean-shaven. No beards allowed. If you have a mustache, it cannot extend below the top lip line or surpass the corners of the mouth. Sideburns must be trimmed in a horizontal line. Somebody leaked those requirements to the Wall Street Journal, probably to remind everybody what an effete punk Hegseth is. The Journal reported the details on September 15.
If you attend this event, you’ll also need an incredibly high tolerance for bullshit, because Hegseth will probably praise the warrior force he thinks he built while overlooking all the damage he has caused. For starters, Hegseth guided Trump into one of the dumbest wars in American history. Demoralized troops are on extended deployments to fight a never-ending Iran war most Americans disapprove of. Munitions are running short and Navy ships are breaking down. Oh, there’s also a new effort to impeach Hegseth in the House of Representatives—led by one of his fellow Republicans. If Hegseth were to be honest, he’d says the state of the force is a farce, starting with the leadership.
Athlete soilings. What’s the right way to say this? There’s been an awkward public discussion recently about elite athletes pooping in the midst of competitions. Not during a bathroom break. You can’t afford to take a bathroom break if you’re competing. You just poop where you are and keep on moving, as if nothing unusual happened.
[Why AI might try to eliminate humanity]
This all came up because Australian athlete Joanna Wietrzyk had a bout of diarrhea while competing at an endurance event known as Hyrox in Beijing on September 12. Diarrhea streamed down her legs, getting on the running track and other equipment. Cameras caught it all. Wietrzyk kept going—and actually won.
What would you have done? Stopped or continued? What if you were officiating the event? Would you stop everything right then and there, or just let athletes be athletes and clean it up later?
Wietrzyk’s first reaction was, what’s the big deal? “A win is a win,” she said on social media. A shitstorm ensued. Critics said she was inconsiderate and blamed the event organizers for allowing other athletes to compete amid “biohazards.” The organizer issued a statement acknowledging it was dealing with “increasingly complex situations” in part because it pushes athletes to the max.
[It’s time to revise the American Dream]
The media pounced on the story, running pixilated images obscuring the diarrhea, somehow making it seem more ghastly than it probably was. Wietrzyk backtracked, apologizing to the whole world for having to see diarrhea, and saying she should have “stepped off the track” instead of plowing through the crap. She gave up the victory. Hyrox said it updated its rulebook and will now disqualify athletes if they’re responsible for body-fluid contamination.
We think the lesson from this incident is a simple one: When in doubt, get to a bathroom.
Just sports … and sex. There’s a new sports-betting app trying to lure young, horny men with boobs and other female body parts. Is anybody surprised?
Okay, nobody’s surprised. But some people are pissed. The app is called Novig and its shtick is that it only does sports—no politics or IPOs, as Kalshi and Polymarket do. One of the owners is pinup actress Sydney Sweeney, famous for nude scenes that dudes go crazy over. Launch ads for Novig feature Sweeney, naked, with a pair of footballs barely covering her breasts, and other cheeky poses with sports equipment. Get it, guys? Hot blonde … sports betting …. hand over your money.
Real female athletes called Sweeney a poseur and bashed her for sexualizing women in sports. Gymnast Gracie Kramer, as one example, dinged Sweeney while posting this homage to women athletes on Instagram. 10/10!
Nobody involved with Novig is apologizing. Novig CEO Jacob Fortinsky explained the ads by saying the goal was to “close the gap from a brand-awareness perspective.” Guess what: It worked. Nobody had heard of Novig a month ago. Now just about every sports bro who lusts for Sydney Sweeney knows where to place his bets.
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