The Weekly WTF: ICE Torture Gloves
Plus, Trump is breaking the military, Melania's body double surfaces, and gamblers bet on flight cancellations.
THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED:
Breaking the military, Pt. 1. Something seems wrong in the US Navy, where ships are deploying for longer than usual and sailors are demonstrating acute signs of stress. Several sailors aboard the Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier have reportedly tried to commit suicide by jumping overboard, according to Navy Times. Dozens of family members have met with Navy officials to vent concerns about poor working conditions, lack of downtime, and low morale aboard the ship. There were reports of similar problems aboard the carrier Gerald R. Ford earlier this year, including a laundry fire that crewmembers may have set deliberately.
A normal Navy ship deployment is six to eight months. The Ford returned to port in Virginia in May after 11 months, the longest carrier deployment since the Vietnam War. The Lincoln has been at sea for nearly nine months, much of that in the Middle East in support of the Iran war President Trump started in February. Amid the latest uproar, another carrier is now rushing to replace it.
Troops know they can face long deployments during wars and upheavals. But it’s also the job of the Pentagon and the military services to manage their workforces competently and humanely. And Trump’s national-security team is a group of loyalist hacks who earn zero trust.
Pentagon boss Pete Hegseth is the worst Defense Secretary in history, as responsible as anybody for the Iran war debacle. The acting secretary of the Navy is Hung Cao, famous for a 2024 debate in which he criticized the Pentagon’s recruiting tactics and said, “What we need is alpha males and alpha females who are going to rip out their own guts, eat them and ask for seconds."
Trump and his lackeys are bringing down the once-vaunted US military. Democratic members of Congress are raising a stink, but they can’t force Trump to install competent people to run the world’s most complex bureaucracy. Expect this to get worse.
Breaking the military, Pt. 2. Trump isn’t just mismanaging the troops. He’s trashing the Pentagon’s hardware, as well.
On August 13, Trump ordered the Navy to revert to an old and outmoded means of launching jets from carriers on several ships under construction. Armchair Admiral Trump prefers steam catapults like those used on carriers after World War II. But the Navy replaced those years ago with electromagnetic catapults that are more efficient and require less upkeep. Going back to the old technology in the middle of production will add cost, delay deliveries, and degrade effectiveness.
Trump likes old, outdated things. He’s also badgering Congress for billions of dollars to build a new fleet of battleships named after himself. Virtually all of the world’s navies retired battleships in the 20th century because missiles and other long-range weapons made them obsolete. Trump wants billions of your taxpayer dollars to sate his own nostalgia. We are at Peak Farce, people.
ICE torture gloves. The Bad Idea Task Force at the Dept. of Homeland Security is working overtime. The department had the brilliant idea to equip immigration agents with electrified gloves that can deliver a non-lethal shock to targets of their cruelty. These gloves are already in use at some police departments and prisons, and the idea is to use them as a way to subdue a rowdy captive without a gun, taser, club, or other weapon that could be fatal. The gloves supposedly deliver an electric pulse to the skin that tweaks out the nerves in a matter of seconds and subdues the target. If you’ve ever used an electrostatic gizmo to treat a damaged muscle, imagine three or four times the maximum dose of juice from that.
This might make sense at a well-trained law enforcement agency that practices full transparency with maximum civilian oversight. The immigration agency isn’t that. ICE is the most retrograde agency in the federal government, responsible, under Trump, for numerous needless deaths, including the murders of Alex Pretti and Renee Good. Anybody who saw the videos of those crimes knows that ICE is a kind of Gestapo. They’ll find a way to abuse the shock gloves, as they’ve abused their authority in numerous other ways. These goons should be carrying plastic swords, not weapons.
Is that Melania? Since Trump’s first term, there have been suspicions that somebody resembling Melania Trump stands in for her at various times, when a wifely presence seems appropriate but she’s just not interested. The intrigue deepened recently when a White House aide named Margo Martin exited Air Force One with Trump (not via the catering truck🤣) and photographers mistook her for Melania. See for yourself:
Martin is just 31, while Melania Trump is 56. But Melania has probably de-aged herself, narrowing the gap. Martin’s hair and build also resemble Melania’s. So from a distance, behind sunglasses, yes, Martin could pass for Melania.
I’m not sure why this matters, but the gossip rags think it’s important. Use this knowledge to demonstrate your shrewd grasp of current events at your next cocktail party or barbecue.
[Check out the Weekly Matterboard to find out what news is worth your time]
More air-travel angst. Flight-tracking service FlightAware had a temporary legal showdown with prediction market Kalshi over flight cancellations. The litigation seems to be over, but it has highlighted something regular fliers ought to know about.
Kalshi offers bets on flight cancellations😦. For now, those bets are limited to systemwide stats, such as how many flights will get canceled in a given week or at a certain airport. There are no bets on the odds of any individual flight getting canceled. Kalshi originally listed FlightAware as the source it uses to verify the data and settle the bets.
FlightAware sued Kalshi on August 10, asking for unspecified damages and a ban on Kalshi’s use of its data. It withdrew the suit a day later. So there was some private agreement between the two companies.
Kalshi now says it settles the cancellation bets using data from “primary source agency”—but a link goes to FlightAware’s web site. So Kalshi is still using FlightAware’s data, just without saying so explicitly on its own site.
FlightAware may simply want its name to be stripped from the betting site, for the obvious reason that there’s something weird about people betting on canceled airline flights. There have been plenty of examples of insiders making bets on markets they can influence, and profiting from the outcome.
Could some aviation insider make a big bet on canceled flights, then gum up the air-traffic software or create an security scare that generates a winning bet? Probably, yeah. If or when it happens, FlightAware wants to make sure it’s not the target of traveler rage. Kalshi seems less concerned.
Burrito Wars. How much should a burrito cost? Be careful before you answer. Are you including the DoorDash delivery fee? Or making your own at home?
Political America has been arguing about burrito prices since a pro-Trump activist argued on social media recently that young people shouldn’t have to pay $20 for a burrito. The activist blamed outlandish burrito prices on—all together now—Joe Biden.
[The double-haters’ guide to the midterm elections]
A kerfuffle erupted. Some aghast responders argued that a burrito only costs $20 if you order some bougie version that DoorDash delivers. Kids these days! 🙄
Oldsters started kvetching about bratty Gen Zers who don’t know the value of a buck, recalling the ancient times when hard-working youth slept on couches and subsisted on ramen until they finally made it as arrogant pundits.
The media picked up on the urgent story, trying to divine a deeper meaning. It’s not about burritos. It’s really about entitlement affordability communism. Hold on … it’s really about … housing! Young people will never be able to afford a home and they know it, you see, so they have no incentive to save money and they don’t mind blowing whatever they have on extravagances.
But nobody answered the basic question, so I will. A burrito should cost $4 at a taco truck. That’s the best place to get one. At a sit-down restaurant, $12 is the ceiling, and that includes sides, chips and salsa. And yeah, DoorDash is for weenies.
Enjoy a cartoon.
You can order this cartoon👆 and play cartoon-themed puzzles and word games at CartoonStock.com.