The Weekly WTF: War Secretary Gets His Feelings Hurt

Plus, more Iran war jackassery and what men need to know about the naked-dress trend.

This stuff actually happened:

Mean-photo ban. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who calls himself “Secretary of War,” banned journalistic photographers from Pentagon briefings because his staff felt they took unflattering photos, according to the Washington Post. Hegseth gets worked up sometimes and good photographers capture everything, and it would be unseemly for the man leading President Trump’s war on Iran to be seen frothing or foaming at the podium. So only official government photographers are allowed at Pentagon briefings now, and they’ll only publish polished glamor shots. This comes after Hegseth banned most real media organizations from the Pentagon, only allowing friendly right-wing outlets.

This careful control of the media explains why all the Iran war coverage has been glowing and optimistic, with everything going exactly how Trump and his brilliant war counsel scripted it. The glorious war is practically over, with no disruption to anybody other than Iran’s bloodthirsty despots. Democracy will soon thrive in Iran and nobody will ever again mention Trump’s connection to Jeffrey Epstein. Attaboy, Pete!

Some media outlets filled out the story by publishing unflattering photos of Hegseth, providing important context for why candid shots might make Hegseth antsy. I asked Gemini what an unflattering photo of Hegseth might look like, if anybody was allowed to take it. Gemini offered this:

Higher oil prices, please! On March 12, Trump pointed out that Americans are about to enjoy a huge windfall thanks to the higher oil prices his Iran war has caused. “The United States is the largest oil producer in the world, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money,” Trump said on social media.

Trump is obviously referring to Americans who hold shares in oil companies such as ExxonMobil and Chevron, who do benefit when oil prices rise, because they sell their product for more and bank more profits. Exxon stock is up 26% this year, while the overall market is down slightly. If you don’t own Exxon stock, then you are not a patriotic American and you won’t make any money from the Iran war. Too bad.

Everybody who does own Exxon, please tell us: How are you planning to spend your war bounty?

Cowardly captains. The real reason oil prices are spiking is oil tanker captains are cowards with no sense of adventure. “These ships should go through the Strait of Hormuz, and show some guts,” Trump said on Fox News on March 9. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Trump said US and Israeli forces have destroyed the majority of Iran’s missiles and drones, so what was there to worry about?

Iran has only attacked 16 ships in the Persian Gulf since the war began, which suggests the odds of getting blown up if you try to drive a tanker past Iran are, I dunno, less than 100%? Feel lucky, punk? Trump himself would no doubt blast right through the Iranian fire in one of his superhero getups if he were helming a ship.

This ship, meanwhile, was reportedly struck by Iran near the Iraqi shoreline in the western gulf, which means it wasn’t trying to run the strait, it was just waiting out the hostilities. The flames don’t seem that big, nothing a gutsy captain couldn’t contend with:

Source: X

Ghost ship. On March 9, Energy Secretary Chris Wright said on social media that “the U.S. Navy successfully escorted an oil tanker through the Strait of Hormuz,” causing a huge celebration in oil markets. Prices dropped about $15 per barrel right away, as traders assumed the US Navy had sailed to the rescue and reopened the strait to tanker traffic.

But Wright’s post disappeared and the White House said, nope, we don’t know of any navy escorts. Oil prices went right back up. The Energy Dept. blamed a staffer who “incorrectly captioned” Wright’s post. It’s always the staffers! If not for the staffers, the Iran war would be going swimmingly.

Geezer keeps going. Democratic Rep. Jim Clyburn, who’s 85, said he will run for another House term this year. Why not. At least four members of Congress are older, including 92-year-old Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa. The olds have done a great job running the country lo these last 25 years, so everybody would benefit if they just stayed forever. Younger people don’t really need to step in, AI will just do their jobs, anyway.

Famed magician disappears. David Copperfield is ending his 25-year stint at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas after revelations that—can you guess? Yup. Epstein buddy. Documents released by the Justice Dept. say there was a “clear connection” between the two, and worse. One FBI report says Copperfield “trained his employees to identify young females (teens to early twenties) in the audience of his shows.” These women were “separated from their boyfriends, families and husbands and brought backstage … there were allegations that he drugged some of the females.” There have been other, similar allegations against the magician, which Copperfield has disputed. But Epstein is the kiss of death. Still, a hopeful Copperfield said in a statement, “I’m excited to announce what’s next soon thereafter. It’s the largest project I’ve ever tackled.” That sounds like an apt description for rehabilitating yourself from the Epstein curse.

Where are your clothes? The “naked dress” is an official fashion trend, as documented by the New York Times. Famous people including Jennifer Lawrence, Chappell Roan, Karol G, Li Jun Li, and that crazy woman who hangs out with Kanye West have recently sported naked dresses out in public, since that is where it’s most comfortable to be naked. (Disclaimer: I’m not even sure who all those people are.) Purists will tell you that the naked dress has been around for centuries, but maybe what’s old is new again.

If you’re a guy and your date wears a naked dress, are you supposed to wear a naked suit? As a divorced guy in the dating world, this question has been nagging me. I googled it, and it turns out the only naked suits seem to be gag costumes like you might wear to a Halloween party. Women get to have all the fun. Thank god.